Directed by Nolan Ball and Bryan Roberts

Starring: Edward X. Young, Colleen Cohan, Beatrice Strobl, Kachina Dechert, and Bethany Taylor

Have you ever had ultra hot mess drunk chick hit on you at the last call mark at a bar? I mean she’s really long in the tooth, probably a tad to a ton overweight, not attractive or coherent by any stretch of the imagination, but is desperate for any minuscule amount of attention or affection and has sunk to the most dire level to achieve a trace amount of fulfillment. Your heart in a strange way goes out to them and you hope that they can get what they need in a safe and hopefully compassionate way, but you can’t provide any of it because you know that it’s in so many ways WRONG. That’s the way I think about the movie, The Green Monster.
This movie is a hot mess. It’s definitely a style over substance feature and it desire to be clever and to cover a wide spectrum of topics on a bargain basement low budget is like trying run a buffet restaurant with one package of lomein noodles.

The movie opens with a teenager having a baby at a convenience store’s bathroom. She dumps the baby in the garbage and takes a ride with a kindly male worker of the convenience store. Following the horror movie handbook of overly done horror movie cliches of the last 100 years, The Green Monster’s kindly male worker at the convenience store is a blood thirsty psychopath who kills the girl and grinds her up into food for the store to sell. Cut to three high school girls (Beatrice Strobl, Kachina Dechert, and Bethany Taylor) who go to the convenience store after they have a weird low budget Mean Girls/”Hit Me Baby One More Time” walk down their high school hallway montage sequence for no reason whatsoever. It turns out that one of the friends who is named Bree (Strobl) likes to go to this place for her “cosmetics” even though it’s on the dreaded other side of the tracks (even though all theses track sides look like white bread Massachusetts). The “cosmedics” that she purchases actually are chocolates that are made by the man and woman ( Edward X. Young and Colleen Cohan) of the convenience store who used the recipe from the handbook mentioned earlier.

Bree gets killed by the school’s druggy bully and he killed her parents to for shits and giggles. He notices that she’s eating her candy while he’s killing her and decides to go to the convience store with his buddy (aka the only other person seen in the high school since this film’s budget is so low they actually have less students in the high school then “Saved By the Bell”) for a chance to get their hands on their candy fortunes. Of course, they get killed in short order. So it’s up to the two other school friends: the ballet girl (Dechert) and the overweight girl (Taylor), along with the new boy who lives across the street and goes to the high school (even though he looks likes he’s in his mid 30’s and might be older than the woman who is playing his mother) to figure out what’s going on and take on the evil convenience store psychopaths in a series of events that are almost as unintentionally funny as The Room.

… Almost.

The Green Monster could of been a cult movie classic of laughingly bad dementia, but dang it, the filmmakers showed some actually professional skill here and there, so the laugh out loud bad parts are mere evidence of laziness versus out and out ignorance. The opening credit sequence is first rate and could be passed off as big budget studio fare. Also there’s a cool part where the convience store clerks are killer the druggy bullies and the knife stabbing motion goes with the sound of the music which was entertaining. The acting for the most part is pretty decent. Sure the Colleen Cohen is over the top as the lady killer and Edward X Young’s Louisiana accent sounds more like Fred Gwynne’s in Pet Sematary, but it was fitting either way. The writing was all over the place and idea of a “Wish Burger” might keep me giggling for weeks, but it takes a strong endurance to get to that “Wish Burger”.

I really wanted to like The Green Monster, but I can’t recommend it since it’s too lazily done to reccomend it for all it’s cheesey goodness and too incomprehensible to understand all the things that it’s throwing at it’s intended viewers. For example, the candy/cosmedics that Bree eats have a healing agent that cures her of face blemishes. Some of these blemishes are suppose to disappear after the druggy bully attacks her and she eats the candy, but you barely
a change, yet the film uses this fact to move along the plot. Also and more glaringly, “the green monster” of the movie title, well that’s the name of the dumpster next to the convenience store in the movie, but the name is never uttered until the last 10 minutes. I guess that’s the name of that the sanitation company gave to those dumpsters in that area that the film was made, which no one outside of the area that the film was made would of known about unless it was mentioned earlier since most people will think of The Boston Red Sox when “the Green Monster” is mentioned.

God knows I would love to watch a movie were a literal Green Monster would rip Red Sox fans to shreds, but this movie wasn’t that. Sorry, I’m a Cubs fan and if I hear one more Red Sox fans talking about reversing the curse (which wasn’t an actual curse just a moniker created by a sports writer in the 90’s) one more time, I might play kickball with Ted Williams frozen skull.

Where was I? Oh yeah, this movie is a hot mess.